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Courtesy of The Onion

PLEASANT HILL, TN—Bob Carson, a State Farm life-insurance salesman for the past 27 years, is a walking encyclopedia of sudden-death scenarios, local sources reported Monday.

Enlarge Image Local Life-Insurance Salesman A Catalog Of Horrific Sudden-Death Scenarios

Carson, who sells life insurance to local residents.

"Did I ever tell you about that poor barber in Mississippi, Frank?" Carson said, addressing the owner of Frank Klemper's Fourth Street Barbershop. "Such a shame. He stepped on a push-broom, and the handle flipped up, hit his arm, and drove the shears he was holding into his eye."

Added Carson: "Killed him instantly, because of the brain trauma. Went three inches down in there. Busted the eye like a grape and gouged the brain: home lobotomy. Hell of a thing for his wife and infant son. Had to fill the socket with a marble for the funeral."

Carson has reportedly inserted hundreds of similar anecdotes into conversations during the past several years. Among his stories: a 1976 incident in which a Texas oilman got his tool-belt latch stuck in a high-pressure pump moments before it was turned on, the tale of a Southern Electric high-tension-wire worker who absorbed 10,000 amps through his metal lunch pail, and the story of an Arkansas grandmother who was hit and killed instantly by a passing tanker truck, which subsequently careened into a busload of kindergarten students on a field trip to see the Carlsbad Caverns and blew up cars within a quarter-mile radius.

"At this point, I'm almost afraid to say hello to Bob after Sunday services," neighbor Jane Francis said. "The last time I did, I remarked how good the coffee and Danishes were. The next thing I knew, he was giving a forensically detailed account of a body found after a May 1978 bakery flash fire caused when a malfunctioning pilot light ignited a cloud of flour."

"It was all 'charred and grisly remains,' and then he tipped his hat, said 'God bless you and good morning,' and walked over to Tim Hutter," Francis added.

Francis said Carson has a friendly smile, a charming personality, a cheerful demeanor, and "an absolutely lurid obsession with freak accidents."

Francis said she walked by Carson several minutes later, on the same Sunday, and overheard him telling Hutter about the fast-acting carcinogens found in the groundwater near chemical plants like the one adjacent to Hutter's hunting cabin in Trousdale county.

Holy Redeemer Baptist Church pastor Hal Jackson said he is "a little concerned" about Carson.

"Granted, Bob does a very good job selling life insurance and making sure all the townsfolk are adequately covered, but still," Jackson said. "His habit of introducing technical accounts of fatalities into polite conversation is something we should sit down together and talk about."

Asked about the reason for his obsession with death, Carson had this to say.

"Your last name is Kemp, you say? If I'm not mistaken, the town of Kemp was the site of a grain-silo explosion not two years ago. A ladder fragment flying at about 250 miles an hour beheaded a fellow about your age. Head cut clean off, if you call that clean. Just imagine."

"Wait," Carson added. "It may be I'm thinking of the fellow who fell 20 feet from a collapsed balcony into a running wood chipper. But I've forgotten your question. What was it you were asking again?"

I know this is very loosely insurance related, but I thought it was too funny to pass up:

Apparently a lot of people have attempted to see if they can steal LifeLock CEO Todd Davis's social security number. In fact, he wants you to try as you've likely seen in the LifeLock ads. Those people have failed--except one. And that person who managed to get a $500 loan with Davis's number was a mentally-challenged man who inadvertently revealed one startling thing LifeLock overlooked: Some (and I do stress some) loan companies don't do credit checks before giving people loans. I know that sounds almost impossible, though some loan sharks out there apparently don't bother based on the notion a social security number is sufficient enough to charge the person high interest fees if the company so chooses. Fortunately, Davis's wife discovered what happened--and Davis demanded a confession from the man--adding up to no criminal trial as the result. Had it not have been noticed, though, LifeLock ads would be considered a laughing stock...and already are for a few out there.

For anyone still planning to buy LifeLock, use Promo Code JBAZ35 and get a 10% discount.

BETHESDA, MD—According to sources at the Allstate Insurance Company, CIA Director Michael Hayden purchased nuclear-attack insurance Wednesday, paying a $100,000 monthly premium for his homes in suburban Washington, Pittsburgh, and near Cheyenne Mountain, CO. "It's a typical nuclear policy that protects the insured from damages caused by fallout—pretty straightforward, though at that monthly rate, I don't usually sell too many of them," said Bethesda, MD–based Allstate agent Gary Rutter, adding that Hayden paid for the first premium with a certified bank check to guarantee that the policy would take effect no later than next Monday. "After he purchased the insurance, he asked again if everything was set for Monday. I assured him it was, and then he left." Insurance agents throughout the D.C. area reported selling 35 such policies in the last week, all to high-ranking government officials.

Study: Most Children Strongly Opposed To Children�s Healthcare

Medicare Health Insurance, in a nutshell:
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, “Hello.”
“Mrs. Ward, please.” “Speaking”
“Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory.
When your doctor sent your husband’s biopsy to the lab yesterday, a
biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now uncertain
which one is your husband’s. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible.”
“What do you mean?” Mrs. Ward asks nervously.
“Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer’s and the
other one tested positive for AIDS.
We can’t tell which your husband’s is.”
“That’s dreadful! Can’t you do the test again?” questioned Mrs. Ward.
“Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests
one time.”
“Well, what am I supposed to do now?”
“The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off
somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don’t sleep
with him."